PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t mean no harm to nobody. “We don’t wish no ill ’pon nobody, no sir,” said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee “Bubba” Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of […]

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After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which fails to incorporate information from interviews with Biden or Harris and doesn’t use the words “Israel” or “Gaza.” What do you think?

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LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. “While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, it’s best to avoid […]

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The post Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat appeared first on The Onion.

Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. PRO Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits […]

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