Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. “Aperture”: “I typed ‘hole’ into powerthesaurus.com.” “American Girls”: “My favorite is Samantha, but Kit is a very close second.” “What Makes You Beautiful”: “I hope Kobalt […]

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WASHINGTON—Claiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Glover’s casting as the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. “At some […]

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NEW YORK—In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper’s YouTube channel, opinion columnists for The New York Times reportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. “It is a tragedy that there is something wrong with us; it is a larger tragedy we have not yet been able to pinpoint what precisely […]

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NASHUA, NH—Suddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying “Deadwood—now that’s a great show.” “What made Bullock such a great character was that he had a fierce temper, but also a strong sense of justice, which […]

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