WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly […]

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DANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast […]

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The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM—A set of billowing curtains signaling that they had arrived moments too late, staff from Penguin Random House reportedly broke down George R.R. Martin’s door Monday as the writer escaped through a bathroom window. “George, George, come back—we don’t want to hurt you! We just want to talk!” said executive editor Anne Groell, who […]

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