LOUISVILLE, KY—Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman’s lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star Wars: Episode IV—A New Hope.  The 40-year-old logistics coordinator confirmed he had paid the sex worker Misty, as […]

The post Prostitute Falls Asleep During ‘Star Wars’ appeared first on The Onion.

Mega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a cost with tickets for the multi-state lottery jumping in price from $2 to $5. What do you think?

The post Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5 appeared first on The Onion.

The post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park […]

The post Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. “I’m just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all […]

The post Patrick Schwarzenegger Worried ‘White Lotus’ Role Will Typecast Him As Hand Job Recipient appeared first on The Onion.