GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can […]

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ARLINGTON, VA—In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn’t get to have any food at all. “Think of the poor, famished children […]

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It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.

The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS—Stressing that he wouldn’t want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancée Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too. “It wouldn’t feel right if Jason wasn’t up there with […]

The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so […]

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