SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. “Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and […]

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WASHINGTON—Bragging that he had forced the world leader into “total submission,” President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. “I said to him, ‘Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,’ and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in […]

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The post Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space appeared first on The Onion.

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. “At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today, 11-year-olds Lillian and Evan Peltier were safely returned to their home in Chattanooga, TN after an extended 286-day educational […]

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According to the CDC, more than one quarter of U.S. adults suffer from seasonal allergies. The Onion shares tips for managing allergic rhinitis symptoms. Try a nasal-removal spray.  Politely ask the flowers in your neighborhood to stop blooming.  Ask ADT about their anti-ragweed security systems. Teach the trees in your area that sexual reproduction is […]

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