SANTA BARBARA, CA—Groaning as yet another stranger shoved a ballpoint pen in his face, actor Noah Wyle stated Thursday that he was fed up with pushy fan tracheotomy requests. “Listen, I love that you love my work, but I’m just trying to grab breakfast with my family right now, not cut through any windpipes, okay?” […]

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The 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony. Q: Who will be there? A: Anyone who’s anyone in the world of mouth noises. Q: How can I watch? A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your […]

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NEW YORK—Perking up with excitement after spotting a customer in the process of completely humiliating himself, the entire staff of a midtown H&M store reportedly gathered Thursday to watch a man struggle to refold a shirt. “Oh my God, everyone get out of the break room—you seriously have got to see this,” said sales associate […]

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The post ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself Chin appeared first on The Onion.

The post Bari Weiss Claims Ideological Diversity Begins And Ends With Her appeared first on The Onion.