LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. “As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it’s so meaningful to see stories like […]

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HOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but […]

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WASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and asserted that […]

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Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More […]

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