CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center. “Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard—I’m not sure he’ll ever compete in another Dunkin’ race after an […]

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive. “Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit that can […]

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The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president’s tariffs.  $3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags 29: Turnips to be substituted into average American’s weekly diet  1 in 3: Americans currently screaming […]

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The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country’s decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think?

The post U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals appeared first on The Onion.