WASHINGTON—Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. “Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free […]

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LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. “Our results have found that since it’s been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is […]

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Kash Patel’s time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie Office Nickname: Shhh, He’s Right There Greatest […]

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