WASHINGTON—Calling the past month one of the droopiest on record, officials at AARP issued a strong April jowls report Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce that the rate of sagging jawlines since March has exceeded even our flappiest projections,” said AARP spokesperson Janet Reyes, adding that U.S. cheeks had increased by about 130,000 folds over the most […]

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ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody […]

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. “For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment,” said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming […]

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