RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age,” said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when […]

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Look, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I’m the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I’m definitely no one’s idea of Hercules, it’d be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That’s because what I lack in […]

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Describing the woman’s imagined scenario of workplace valor as both “cringeworthy” and “profoundly sad,” office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb’s fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb—who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either socially or through her work in her four years […]

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WASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. “Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who […]

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