MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound. “We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the […]

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SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic […]

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MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. “Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire […]

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What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432

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BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Staggering out into the blinding light of day, Euphoria showrunner Sam Levinson reportedly emerged from a 7-year drug binge Wednesday horrified to learn what he had created. “Wait, I did what?” said a shaky, bleary-eyed Levinson as he looked through his phone in an attempt to piece together everything that had happened since 2019, a […]

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