According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the harmful particles. Use water bottles made of 100% wool. Drink from single-use plastic cups instead of biting into them. Buy your children wooden toys instead of fun ones. Line your mouth […]

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MURCIA, SPAIN—Sending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. “After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling […]

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The post Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO—Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone’s penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. “The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations […]

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A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the government and donors funding the project. What do you think?

The post Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts appeared first on The Onion.