On Sunday, the same day as President Trump’s 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event. $1.2 million Cost of restoring Thomas Jefferson’s original Octagon 5 Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth […]

The post The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

DENVER—Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. “This guy won’t stop talking about how he’s going to make life more […]

The post Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy appeared first on The Onion.

A McDonald’s employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think?

The post McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil appeared first on The Onion.

What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432

The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion.

Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven.

The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion.