SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night’s game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, […]

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WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House. Investigators were called to the scene after a groundskeeper performing routine landscaping around the North Lawn’s fountain noticed a […]

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White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the birth of a baby girl in an Instagram post, saying her new daughter Viviana was “perfect and healthy.” What do you think?

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The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday.  “We honestly have no idea how he got […]

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