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The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of “suicide by cop.”

The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump’s border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE’s highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan’s background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite Haplogroup: Q-M242 Role In Project 2025: Genetic source for cloned ICE agents Favorite Part Of Job: Working with kids […]

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STANFORD, CA—In a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on items […]

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The post Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle appeared first on The Onion.