Reading List
The most recent articles from a list of feeds I subscribe to.
Björk Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest
TOADSTOOL VALE—To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Björk held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest. “This next song goes out to this enchanted mushroom forest and all the drooping sunflowers who were affected by the orb of night’s […]
The post Björk Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest appeared first on The Onion.
You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving
Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed. I’ve tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can’t pretend any longer: You’re not the man I married. You’re significantly […]
The post You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.
Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man
WASHINGTON—During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador’s president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he “lacks the humanity” to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. “How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don’t have the ability to feel […]
The post Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man appeared first on The Onion.
Stephen A. Smith Hasn’t Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities
NEW YORK—Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn’t ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. “Given the state of the country, I just feel like I have no choice but to […]
The post Stephen A. Smith Hasn’t Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities appeared first on The Onion.
Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.