Reading List

The most recent articles from a list of feeds I subscribe to.

Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One

LEAWOOD, KS—Remarking that it seemed “a tad excessive” to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiancé Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one. “That’s a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on […]

The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One appeared first on The Onion.

Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy

DENVER—Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas than improving the economy. “This guy won’t stop talking about how he’s going to make life more […]

The post Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy appeared first on The Onion.

IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts

CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts. “Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to […]

The post IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts appeared first on The Onion.

Marty Peters and Karen Roth

Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huh—the happy couple’s “in loving memory” table had a picture of Hulk Hogan.

The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion.

Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes

NEW YORK—Touting the initiative as a way to “bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most,” the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the region’s uncontacted tribes. “As we […]

The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes appeared first on The Onion.