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STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope’s assassination protocol. “Have your tickets ready, keys and phones out of your pockets, and—this part is very important, so please listen up—make sure flash settings on your phones and cameras are off, ” […]

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HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday to gain enough momentum to sit up from his chair. According to several reports, the 73-year-old used the mass of his large belly like a pendulum’s counterweight as he oscillated to […]

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. “I’m calling upon Congress today to immediately provide me with $1.2 trillion in funding that I currently do not possess but which I will possess once it is given to me,” said Trump, acknowledging that he […]

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HEATH, TX—Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal told reporters Tuesday that even he was surprised to learn he was the new spokesman for DivaCup. “Really don’t remember signing up for this one—I remember Icy Hot, the General, JCPenney, and Muscle Milk, but not […]

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