WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. “If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we’ll take everything you got,” said Nevada resident […]

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MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. “Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going back to live with their parents due to the […]

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ST. LOUIS—In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. “We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended […]

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The post Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner appeared first on The Onion.

Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldn’t charm his way out of this one (leukemia).

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