“Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing.  MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. […]

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HARTFORD CITY, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. “Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when there are […]

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MILAN—Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the room. “Oh! Uh, hey there, we were just taking a […]

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AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation’s friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. “We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce […]

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WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” […]

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