SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure you are the only one who knows that you are fully engorged,” said brand representative Erica DeLeon, touting the generic […]

The post Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners appeared first on The Onion.

Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven.

The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his Florida compound. “We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the […]

The post Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos’ Human Chessboard appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the previous week. “Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire […]

The post Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week appeared first on The Onion.

What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432

The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion.