WASHINGTON—Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. “The doctors gave me the most thorough pedophilia testing you can get, and I’m totally clean,” said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood […]

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BETHESDA, MD—Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing, President Donald Trump decried the lack of space to host parties inside an MRI machine. “It’s so cramped that maybe you can fit one or two foreign dignitaries or CEOs in there at most,” said the […]

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The post ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. “Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs,” said Hegseth, a large vein pulsating across his beet-red forehead as he […]

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Top-ranked tennis player Jannik Sinner arrives at the French Open on a 29-match win streak, having recently swept six consecutive ATP 1000 titles and completed the Career Golden Masters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the four-time Grand Slam champion. Height: 8-foot-6 (with tennis racquet on head) Opacity: 37% Pre-Match Ritual: Watching […]

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