LOS ANGELES—Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show’s third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili’s ad for a role in Euphoria. “That’s it, I’m ruined,” said Lynch, who told reporters he was “kicking [himself]” over his […]

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The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the limits of human achievement. What do you think?

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BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. “Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don’t […]

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STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to see if any of his 13 kids had ketamine. “Hey kids, it’s Dad, I’ve just been crashing out hard and need a few bumps of K to get me to the […]

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WASHINGTON—Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. “The doctors gave me the most thorough pedophilia testing you can get, and I’m totally clean,” said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood […]

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