Hi, friends! Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook […]

The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena’s kiss cam. “Come on, come on, I want this more than anything,” whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old […]

The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion.

Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.

The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion.

According to Delta Dental’s new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think?

The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “If I go, I think it’ll really make me look strong, like I’m fully in charge […]

The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral appeared first on The Onion.