SALT LAKE CITY—With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill Monday that bans all eye contact during sex. “Looking directly into another person’s eyes while being physically intimate is a sick and unholy act,” said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, […]

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SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of constantly looking for Mr. Bean. “It seems like all my friends are settling down with buffoonish, mishap-prone men, but no matter how many dates I go on, I just can’t […]

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After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.

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