LONDON—Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince’s ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s popular line of salad dressings from stores. “For decades, British consumers have associated Andrew’s smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majesty’s Honey Mustard with the highest quality […]

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Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical.

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide a “more hearty, spoonable drinking experience,” the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030. “For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we’re going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and […]

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WASHINGTON—Having abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the plane’s existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a “magnificent” neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told reporters that demolishing […]

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The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country’s leaders are “paying for their crimes against America.” The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trump’s war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the […]

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