WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting […]

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COLTS NECK, NJ—Declaring that he wasn’t about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, “Fuck it, a gig’s a gig,” Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. “I may get some flack from the […]

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LOS ANGELES—Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. “Thank God, it’s over—it’s finally over,” said 29-year-old fan Emma Torres, who added that the experience of realizing she would […]

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The post Graham Platner: ‘I Didn’t Know Extramarital Sexting Was A Symbol For Cheating’ appeared first on The Onion.

This updated home includes a bonus room that has been turned into a pathetic little podcast studio, perfect for anyone interested in releasing three episodes of a show about international soccer before losing interest. Reference #728543

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