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BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life. Lulu’s Crepes, which 10 months from now will be referred to by a loan officer as the sinkhole that […]

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COLTS NECK, NJ—Declaring that he wasn’t about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, “Fuck it, a gig’s a gig,” Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. “I may get some flack from the […]

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LOS ANGELES—Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. “Thank God, it’s over—it’s finally over,” said 29-year-old fan Emma Torres, who added that the experience of realizing she would […]

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The post Graham Platner: ‘I Didn’t Know Extramarital Sexting Was A Symbol For Cheating’ appeared first on The Onion.