Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we’re not angry. If anything, we’re just […]

The post I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life. Lulu’s Crepes, which 10 months from now will be referred to by a loan officer as the sinkhole that […]

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WASHINGTON—Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music’s power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%. “After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together,” said […]

The post Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74% appeared first on The Onion.

Both bride and groom knew working with a matchmaker would be a waste of time, but they were determined to get their money’s worth no matter what.

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the money long overdue compensation for some of the nation’s most persecuted individuals, President Donald Trump announced an $88 billion fund Tuesday specifically appropriated to any man ever rejected by a woman. “At long last, there will be justice for every man in America who was very unfairly told no,” said the president, noting […]

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