Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam: It’s not that big of a deal. They want to see what you’ll be up to. Reference #918445

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DENVER—Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eat his cat. “I know they’re trying to make eating other animals seem wrong, but honestly, I bet my Kiki would taste incredible deep-fried […]

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FORT WORTH, TX—In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in particular. “For decades, this part of Fort Worth has languished as nothing more than a loving community for […]

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THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month’s anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence. “Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to […]

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Scientists officially know 0.0000000000000000001% of what’s on the ocean floor now that Ron Green, 36, drowned in one.

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