The post Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Calling it a “historic moment” in women’s basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. “Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark,” said WNBA commissioner Cathy […]

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WASHINGTON—Highlighting a growing wealth gap nationwide, the Pew Research Center published a report Wednesday that revealed the average American’s plan for retirement now involves Richard Gere falling for them after paying for sex. “Our findings suggest that the vast majority of people are now hinging their retirement on Mr. Gere spotting them on the street, […]

The post Report: Average American’s Retirement Plan Involves Richard Gere Falling For Them After Paying For Sex appeared first on The Onion.

Cold plunges, also known as ice baths, are an increasingly popular wellness trend. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding cold plunges.  MYTH: Cold plunges are only for celebrities and athletes. FACT: They’re also for people easily influenced by them. MYTH: People with heart conditions should avoid cold plunges. FACT: People who hate cold […]

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Windows will no longer display the operating system’s infamous “blue screen of death” when something goes wrong, removing the signature frowning face that accompanied the crash notice in favor of a shorter message and plain black screen. What do you think?

The post Windows To Phase Out ‘Blue Screen Of Death’ appeared first on The Onion.