The post CNBC Hosts Sit In Stunned Silence For 19th Consecutive Hour appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Giving Democrats a sense of hope for the first time in months, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) reportedly set the congressional record this week for the longest fingernails on the Senate floor. “With your support, I have grown my fingernails to eight feet and three-quarters inches,” said Booker, whose act of strength and courage inspired millions […]

The post Cory Booker Sets Record For Longest Fingernails On Senate Floor appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Saying that Americans should anticipate certain lifestyle changes as a result of his newly announced tariffs, President Donald Trump informed the nation Thursday that they better start liking those little canned wieners. “Hope you aren’t too attached to whatever fancy crap you eat now, because those little wiener dogs in the cans are coming back […]

The post Trump Informs Nation They Better Start Liking Those Little Canned Wieners appeared first on The Onion.

Significant mystery has cloaked a 14,400-square-foot Tuscan-style villa and a second, adjacent mansion purchased by the world’s richest man for himself and his extensive family. Here, The Onion uncovers what’s inside Elon Musk’s $35 million Texas compound.

The post Inside Elon Musk’s Texas Compound appeared first on The Onion.

RAFAH, GAZA—Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a mass grave, Israel claimed this week that the slain Palestinians did not properly identify themselves as human. “Unfortunately, upon their encounter with IDF soldiers, these Palestinians provided no documentation indicating they were sentient beings entitled to basic […]

The post Israel Claims Slain Palestinian Rescue Workers Didn’t Properly Identify Selves As Human Beings appeared first on The Onion.