MESA, AZ—As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord. “Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by,” Walker […]

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KNOXVILLE, TN—After a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he had only ever loved the idea of a fried egg on a hamburger. “I thought the sunny-side up burger upgrade was what I really wanted, but I’ve come to see that […]

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The post Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies appeared first on The Onion.

Good Boy, a horror movie told from the point of view of its dog protagonist, comes to theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Good Boy about? A: A loyal dog discovers supernatural forces lurking in his crotch that must be exorcised through intense licking. […]

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The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she is ready to move on.

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