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Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope

The Onion

United Flight Turns Around After Pilot Forgets Passport

The Onion

Elon Musk Amazed At How Much Cheaper Bribing Voters Is In Midwest

The Onion

The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor

The Onion

New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods

The Onion

Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down

The Onion

What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App

The Onion

Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars

The Onion

Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts

The Onion

Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind

The Onion

Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies

The Onion

Furious Trump Cancels ‘Atlantic’ Subscription After 48 Years

The Onion

Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact

The Onion

Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

The Onion

Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life

The Onion

Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop

The Onion

23andMe Files For Bankruptcy

The Onion

Alexa Beaten

The Onion

Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids

The Onion

Report: Anti-Science Attitude Strongest Among Those Who Believe Turtle Has Little Apartment Inside Shell

The Onion