THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don’t hate this,” said the Infallible Architect […]

The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion.

This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823

The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion.

PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. “Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, […]

The post Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again appeared first on The Onion.

The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure […]

The post GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform appeared first on The Onion.