WASHINGTON—Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. “For far too long, the practice of receiving money for services has gone unchecked, and today we’re turning over evidence to the attorney general so […]

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WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. “These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediately—I don’t care how many vaccine […]

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In a record-breaking opening weekend for A24, horror movie Backrooms brought in $81 million at the domestic box office. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Kane Parsons film. Q: Is this the first major motion picture based on a YouTube video? A: Not quite. Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was […]

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EAST LANSING, MI—Calling the 21-year-old’s replies to his emails and text messages “rote” and “overly formal,” local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was “pretty sure” student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances. “It really is a shame with these undergrads these days,” said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor […]

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Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasn’t invited.

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