GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can […]

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It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.

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Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands […]

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. “Please, people, I’m begging you—we don’t want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer […]

The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so […]

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