BURBANK, CA—Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate’s vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company’s intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. “That’s very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base,” said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed […]

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DENVER—Acknowledging the grim reality of their underwhelming romantic prospects, chronic disorganization, and lackluster employment outlook, the adult Patterson children confirmed Friday that the onus of giving their parents grandchildren had been placed on the least fucked-up sibling. “At least Liz has a job and lives in her own apartment,” said oldest sibling Matthew Patterson, adding […]

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Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don’t Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.  Genre: Brand collaboration Famous Relatives: Rihanna’s kids Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through […]

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