Bitcoin topped $100,000 for the first time as a massive rally in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency, largely accelerated by the election of Donald Trump, rolls on. What do you think?

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CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the franchise’s most talentless special teamer. “I’m tired of watching all these prima donna receivers and linebackers […]

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NEW YORK—In a stunning end to the 40-year-old media personality’s rise to fame, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Monday that Hilaria Baldwin had been deported to Spain. Baldwin, who is set to star in a new reality series about her family’s home life, was reportedly handcuffed at the wrists and ankles as she boarded […]

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AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will,” Gov. Greg Abbott said upon signing the bill, explaining […]

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Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares some of the ways schools are changing their curriculum.  Updating the periodic table of chemical elements to include […]

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