STARBASE, TX—Claiming that his relationship with the nation’s adults had been ‘irreparably’ damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community, Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. “I will be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants,” Musk wrote […]

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Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: “Shoot first, dodge questions later.” Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least Hidden […]

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A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?

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Cindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth.

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WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.  Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, […]

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