WASHINGTON—In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces. Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump’s immigration policy, warned that Democrats “may get more than they […]

The post ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks appeared first on The Onion.

Taylor Swift was granted a five-year restraining order against an alleged stalker who repeatedly appeared at her home and made delusional claims about having a child with her. What do you think?

The post Taylor Swift Secures 5-Year Restraining Order Against Stalker appeared first on The Onion.

In the largest civil penalty in Federal Trade Commission history, Amazon agreed to pay a $2.5 billion settlement to resolve claims that it misled customers into Prime enrollments and made cancellations difficult. What do you think?

The post Amazon To Pay $2.5 Billion Settlement For Tricking Prime Customers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Carrying tools and a handful of two-by-fours as he silently emerged from the North Portico, deputy chief of staff and homeland security advisor Stephen Miller reportedly constructed a windowless, soundproof shed on the White House grounds Thursday. According to sources, the senior administration official provided no word of explanation as he unfurled a hand-drawn blueprint in […]

The post Stephen Miller Builds Windowless, Soundproof Shed On White House Lawn appeared first on The Onion.

MEREDITH, NH—Saying the luminous paradise had exceeded even its wildest expectations, a local moth told reporters Tuesday the inside of a light fixture was everything it had ever dreamed of and more. “Woo-hoo! They’ve got a whole second light bulb in here—this is the greatest fucking day of my life!” the moth said as it giddily […]

The post Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More appeared first on The Onion.