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ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow […]

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LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic […]

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ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. “Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight […]

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MANCHESTER, NH—Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. “As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of […]

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