PHILADELPHIA—Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern–looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. “It’s so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world,” said local man Gino […]

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President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses.  1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on […]

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Bitcoin topped $100,000 for the first time as a massive rally in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency, largely accelerated by the election of Donald Trump, rolls on. What do you think?

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CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the franchise’s most talentless special teamer. “I’m tired of watching all these prima donna receivers and linebackers […]

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AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will,” Gov. Greg Abbott said upon signing the bill, explaining […]

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