WASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy. “Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won’t be able to pay the bills if […]

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NEW YORK—Stating that they were “so proud, so, so proud,” the parents of filmmakers Josh and Benny Safdie reportedly told their sons Thursday that regardless of what the Academy says, they liked both films equally. “One nomination, nine nominations—The Smashing Machine and Marty Supreme are both movie of the year in our book,” said the filmmakers’ mother, Amy […]

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The 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony. Q: Who will be there? A: Anyone who’s anyone in the world of mouth noises. Q: How can I watch? A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your […]

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SANTA BARBARA, CA—Groaning as yet another stranger shoved a ballpoint pen in his face, actor Noah Wyle stated Thursday that he was fed up with pushy fan tracheotomy requests. “Listen, I love that you love my work, but I’m just trying to grab breakfast with my family right now, not cut through any windpipes, okay?” […]

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NEW YORK—Perking up with excitement after spotting a customer in the process of completely humiliating himself, the entire staff of a midtown H&M store reportedly gathered Thursday to watch a man struggle to refold a shirt. “Oh my God, everyone get out of the break room—you seriously have got to see this,” said sales associate […]

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