The post Trump Audibly Counting Non-White Generals appeared first on The Onion.

QUANTICO, VA—Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday to remember exactly how he ended up in a meeting room filled with U.S. generals and admirals. “Jesus fucking Christ, why are they all staring at me—am I supposed to […]

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Caleb Marks and Teresa Williamson began their life together with the bride blissfully unaware mortgage lenders calculate rates on the lower of the couple’s two credit scores.

The post Caleb Marks and Tiffany Williamson appeared first on The Onion.

Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year’s Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the “Espresso” singer to discuss love, life, and her forthcoming album, Man’s Best Friend. The Onion: Which one are you again? Carpenter: Of the two very short pop stars under 35, I’m the one who […]

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INDIANAPOLIS—With an official proclamation that declared the state “open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets,” Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults. “Whether your fundamentalist commune believes it will usher in an apocalyptic race war or board a spaceship to a higher plane of existence, we hope your cult will choose to make Indiana […]

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