PARIS—In a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk. The U.N. agency said Bardem had met the criteria of “brawn, charisma, and raw masculine eros” […]

The post Javier Bardem Declared UNESCO World-Class Hunk appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Saying he was excited to explore the psychology of “one of the 21st century’s greatest villains,” Monster creator Ryan Murphy announced Wednesday that the anthology’s latest season would focus on a barista who made his drink wrong. “I’ve covered killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and the Menendez brothers, but I’ve never done a character study […]

The post New Season Of ‘Monster’ To Focus On Barista Who Made Ryan Murphy’s Drink Wrong  appeared first on The Onion.

Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.

The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.

MESA, AZ—Gleefully describing the inevitable day when society would collapse and digital files would become unusable, local physical media collector David Campbell confirmed Wednesday he was “absolutely pumped” for the downfall of humanity. “When it all goes down, there’s only going to be one place to watch the Tomb Raider movies in their entirety with all the […]

The post Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA ROSA, CA—Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced Wednesday that it had shut down Guy Fieri. “We received an anonymous tip about the unsanitary condition of Mr. Fieri, and our surprise-inspection team was deeply disturbed by the state we […]

The post Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri appeared first on The Onion.