GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can […]

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ARLINGTON, VA—In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn’t get to have any food at all. “Think of the poor, famished children […]

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It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. “Please, people, I’m begging you—we don’t want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer […]

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after […]

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