LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. “Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you’re a foot—nearly a foot and a half—off the ground, you start to lose […]

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ST. LOUIS—In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. “We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose lives have been upended […]

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CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to watch Mortal Kombat II. “Come on, no one’s looking, just go,” said actor Stellan Skarsgård, who ushered the rest of the jury members through an emergency exit door and down a […]

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FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the sweaty ass print left on a rowing machine at a local Crunch Fitness location was already fading away, much like all of our earthly works and aspirations. According to gym sources, […]

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PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the mundane on Mars. “After more than a dozen years on the Red Planet, our rover has officially uncovered a peaceful quietude among the endless rust-colored vistas,” aerospace engineer Haley Thompson said […]

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