LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. “While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, it’s best to avoid […]

The post Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester appeared first on The Onion.

The post Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat appeared first on The Onion.

Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. PRO Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits […]

The post Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. “Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful,” said the […]

The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. “Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He’s fading!” said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary […]

The post RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.