The post Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule appeared first on The Onion.

WAYNE, NE—After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town’s most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday better for its second-poorest family. “Getting to see the smiles on the Turner kids’ faces when they realized they were going to have a merry […]

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MACKINSHAW, NE—Emphasizing that he didn’t want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior Geoffrey Lesseder stated Monday that he was starting to suspect the three school shootings he had been in might be about him. “At first I thought it was due to […]

The post Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. “Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed,” […]

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The post Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money appeared first on The Onion.