LOS ANGELES—Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show’s third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili’s ad for a role in Euphoria. “That’s it, I’m ruined,” said Lynch, who told reporters he was “kicking [himself]” over his […]

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The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the limits of human achievement. What do you think?

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BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. “Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don’t […]

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STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to see if any of his 13 kids had ketamine. “Hey kids, it’s Dad, I’ve just been crashing out hard and need a few bumps of K to get me to the […]

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