SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I […]

The post Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community appeared first on The Onion.

The post DOJ Launches Criminal Investigation Into All Women appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his daughter Ivanka Trump kiss in a model of his under-construction White House ballroom, reports confirmed Thursday. According to sources, Trump raised the pitch of his voice and said, “Such a splendid ballroom, Daddy! Let us dance!” […]

The post Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model appeared first on The Onion.

MIAMI—Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone’s looks a four out of 10. “Oh God, oh God—what has she done? I’m a monstrosity! I’m hideous!” said the formerly chisel-jawed […]

The post Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4 appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show’s third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili’s ad for a role in Euphoria. “That’s it, I’m ruined,” said Lynch, who told reporters he was “kicking [himself]” over his […]

The post Marshawn Lynch Regrets Turning Down Chili’s Ad For ‘Euphoria’  appeared first on The Onion.