The post Apple Photos Reminds Man He Was Nude In Capitol Building 5 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. “Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again? Where the hell is Pence?” said Morris, tucking a noose under his […]

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The post Steph Curry Finally Finishes Eating Mouthguard appeared first on The Onion.

The post Mark Kelly Punished With Expulsion To Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting […]

The post NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain Rocks appeared first on The Onion.