ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos’ inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping writer E. Jean Carroll. What do you think?

The post ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit appeared first on The Onion.

The post Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. “Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one’s here we can get rid of them,” said the Creator of the Universe, […]

The post God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation’s Emergency Alert System. “This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, […]

The post FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was […]

The post ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.